My Purpose in life

The last two months have been extremely stressful, challenging for me especially dealing with the loss of my son, it was very painful as I could not bring myself to believe that my son who was full of life is no more now.  Everything in the house reminded me of him, his clothes as I settled in order to give away, his medicines, his shoes, sandals and a whole lot of teaching material I accumulated to teach him, one by one I started clearing it finding my way to give away.

I could not control my emotions, and I wept and wept only to be disturbed by my daughter who caught me crying, asking me innocently, why are you crying now, are you still thinking of Emmanuel.  Suddenly I shifted my focus to what has been happening with me, and looked at my daughter who was waiting for me to take her out to the play ground where she could cycle, and I would be around helping her to ride. 

I did not want to think of Emmanuel now, I realized how attached I was to him, and in the last few months he had come so much closer to me, that I felt proud and happy for the joy he brought to the family.  I told myself, that I needed to let go of him, otherwise I might end up creating guilt for my daughter who is alive.  

Life has so much to offer, and I reminded myself that there is a purpose to everything, Emmanuel had a purpose for my life, he has taught me to slow down and enjoy life, enabled me to see that true beauty of a person is in the love and kindness  shared.

I made up my mind to take some decisions to bring in changes that I desired for in my life. The moment I made a decision, things changed since then, I have been able to reach out to persons who I have never met in life, and now I feel happy to be involved in meaningful work. 

Be Happy !

 

A Child Loaned

This is a beautiful poem sent to me by one of my friends,  very close to my heart, and I found this so apt at this moment of my life, that I am posting on my blog, I am not only inspired but also filled with gratitude for the privilege I had in taking care of my son for seven years of his life. I am thankful to my friend for her concern, thoughtfulness and above all for being a mirror for me. I continue my journey with gratitude.

A Child Loaned

I'll lend you for a little time

A child of Mine," He said,

"For you to love the while he lives,

And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven years

Or twenty-two or three,

But will you, till I call him back,

Take care of him for Me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you,

And should his stay be brief,

You'll have his lovely memories

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,

Since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn.

I've looked this wide world over

In My search for teachers true,

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,

I have selected you;

Now will you give him all your love,

Not think the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I come to call

And take him back again?"

I fancied that I heard them say,

"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

For all the joy Thy child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness,

We'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known,

Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him

Much sooner than we planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand.

~ Edgar A. Guest

Have a grateful day !

A Tribute To Our Son

The journey of our son Mario Emmanuel came to a close on 2nd January, 2011. After a month long suffering, he died of pneumonia. As parents, we did our best to save our child and we did not succeed and feel disappointed and defeated. Yet at the same time we also believe that God had a purpose for our child. He gifted him to us for 7 years, and we are happy for all the joy Emmanuel brought into the family. We believe that in a short span of time, he stole hearts and continues to live in our lives.

I wrote this tribute to my son and wanted to share it with you. As I continue to grieve, I will also share with you in the days ahead, the process of his death during which we learned many lessons. 

Emmanuel, thank you for entering my life, for choosing me to be your mom. I loved you with all my heart; you brought so much joy into my life. You became so much a part of me, that I did everything in my life keeping you in mind. I never thought that your life could come to an end so soon.

I am grateful that I could be with you until the end of your journey. How could I let you suffer alone? I could never leave you alone anywhere, for I know that you needed me by your side. I always ensured that I was beside you in a new place, whether it was  a school, or a church or a function or visiting friends.

Today, I am lost without you. There is so much of emptiness and a deep void. I feel as if a part of me has died. I am not sure how life is going to be in your absence, for I am too shocked and out of balance. I am still struggling to believe that you are no more. Even though my mind has agreed,  my body is not cooperating at the moment. Perhaps, it's asking for more time, and I am giving it that space and rest.

But sweet child of mine, I look back with gratitude for the last 7 years of my life, and I feel that you have lived a perfect and full life. You were so full of life. Music and dance was so much part of your life. You had a way of attracting a lot of love and cheer. Your warm smile invited everyone into the house, and your unpredictable behavior took everyone by surprise. You were ready to welcome people, make them feel at home, and show your hospitality in your own way, that lingered on…... Hugs, kisses and shaking hands, were common ways you showed your love.  You never spoke a sentence, but you communicated excellently in your own sweet way, building relationships by your simplicity and love.

Emmanuel, you challenged me to think differently. You enabled and empowered me to define love in a new way. You were the angel of my life. Your smile melted all of my worries and sorrows.

Rest in peace, dear angel - you will always be loved and missed.

All my love,

Your Mum

This too shall pass ….

Yesterday was All Souls' Day.  I visited the graves of my family members who have died, my mother, my father, my sister and my grand parents. It's an important day for us in the family, where all of us go together to the cemetery. This time I went alone as it was difficult for all of us to go together.

While visiting the graves, I recalled an event exactly  a month ago. A little girl baby was born in our family, she was so beautiful, looked like an angel, but her life on earth was so short, that before I could hold her in my arms and kiss her, she left the earth. It was as if a sweet angel that came for a brief visit to the earth, and had to leave back to where it belonged.

This little girl was born in an emergency as its heart beat dropped and the doctors tried their best to save the child.   When I heard about the baby, I rushed to the hospital, and found the baby on the ventilator, a small little girl appeared as though sleeping peacefully, after which I met Mary, my sister in law, in the post operative ward. The moment she saw me, she broke down, I had no words to communicate, the grief was too much to bear. After a while the nurse brought a small little baby wrapped in a pink towel, and gave her to Mary to hold for some time. 

I can never forget that moment of grief - of a women who carried this same child for nine months, in her womb, and at the end of the term, had to hold a lifeless body of a child in her hands. She wept and wept inconsolably, I did not know what to do, I have never encountered a situation like this, I felt totally lost, and had no words to console. I was too shocked and felt extremely pained, all I could do was to silently stand by and hold her hands.

I am still in the process of coming out of this experience which was too deep. For the first time in my life, I carried a dead baby in my arms to bury – it was too much for me to take, I cried silently and handed over the baby to her father, who buried her.

The time stood still, death is an important reality, I have the experience of my sister who died young, my parents who died, it did affect me to some extent, but this experience of death was too sudden, unexpected that left me numb and shocked.

I have no words to console the mother of the child, who is in grief, it’s painful to see and difficult to handle – I feel helpless and in pain too.  But deep in my heart I believe that God knows what is best, and this too shall pass ……. This little angel who departed, had given me opportunity to look at life at close quarters, and has challenged me with this question - if I were to leave the earth, what would I do now?  I am thinking and relooking at my life? Hopefully answering it in my heart, and making those changes which will improve the quality of my life.

Be a blessing !