One Day At A Time

Today I decided to offer prayers for my son, even though I am not particular about this aspect, I remembered the usual prayers I said as a child, the rosary, and the written prayers which came in easily to me. Some of the psalms from the bible which I used to just recite in moments of distress, I did not have to make an effort, these prayers came in naturally, for it was ingrained in me, it was a strong impulse in me that pushed and motivated me to rise earlier and spend some quiet time.

While I sat there different thoughts were coming to my mind, some of it was some very special memorable moments with my son, and some of them were sad, and I started thanking God for whatever it was, giving me Emmanuel as a wonderful gift in my life.

I reminded myself that I was only a care taker of this child, I was not the owner of his life. I was entrusted by God as a care taker, and I did all that I can for whatever time the Lord spared his life in my hands and in our family.

Now it’s my turn to let go and give back to the Lord, what belonged to him. And I would offer back with a deep sense of gratitude in my heart, trusting and believing that Emmanuel has gone to a very safe and secure place, his very source of life. These thoughts comforted me, and also helped me to release Emmanuel from my life, to let him continue his journey.

I freed myself from within to continue my journey, searching for the purpose of my existence and permitting myself to live one day at a time.

You are a Miracle

Every time I take my son Emmanuel out for a function or a social gathering, he becomes the topic of discussion. Many people feel that I must do something for him. In their eagerness to help me, they advise  me to take him to a good doctor, or take for some healing service, or find some alternative medicine, so that he will be like any other child.  These people are good, they want to help me, but they are ignorant on issues related to a Down syndrome child. Earlier I used to get annoyed with their advice and suggestions, but gradually I have learnt to accept all types of people in my life.

The other day, one of my sister's friends saw Emmanuel and started advising me immediately to take him for a prayer meeting, as the 'brother' who prays there is very powerful, and Emmanuel will be fine. She hinted that I must have faith and go with the expectation of seeing a miracle and my son will be transformed.

I listened to her patiently and  when she stopped speaking I told her that for me my son is a miracle, and he is one of the greatest miracles of my life, I am not against prayer meetings or any preacher and I don’t mind going for prayer. But I do not believe that miracle has to be always associated with something sensational and spectacular.

If one has faith, then every day is a miracle in life, I believe that I am unique, special and irrepeatable in history, that enables me to see myself as a miracle of life, and I want to say the same to every one who encounters me in this world.  My two children are a miracle to me, as I watch them grow beautifully, I am filled with awe and wonder and thank God a million times for blessing me with these kids, for I have learnt so much from them, and I continue to learn. Believe in yourself, there is infinite power within you, and Believe that You are a Miracle today

“There are two ways to live your life, one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.”  Albert Einstein

Be Happy !

This too shall pass ….

Yesterday was All Souls' Day.  I visited the graves of my family members who have died, my mother, my father, my sister and my grand parents. It's an important day for us in the family, where all of us go together to the cemetery. This time I went alone as it was difficult for all of us to go together.

While visiting the graves, I recalled an event exactly  a month ago. A little girl baby was born in our family, she was so beautiful, looked like an angel, but her life on earth was so short, that before I could hold her in my arms and kiss her, she left the earth. It was as if a sweet angel that came for a brief visit to the earth, and had to leave back to where it belonged.

This little girl was born in an emergency as its heart beat dropped and the doctors tried their best to save the child.   When I heard about the baby, I rushed to the hospital, and found the baby on the ventilator, a small little girl appeared as though sleeping peacefully, after which I met Mary, my sister in law, in the post operative ward. The moment she saw me, she broke down, I had no words to communicate, the grief was too much to bear. After a while the nurse brought a small little baby wrapped in a pink towel, and gave her to Mary to hold for some time. 

I can never forget that moment of grief - of a women who carried this same child for nine months, in her womb, and at the end of the term, had to hold a lifeless body of a child in her hands. She wept and wept inconsolably, I did not know what to do, I have never encountered a situation like this, I felt totally lost, and had no words to console. I was too shocked and felt extremely pained, all I could do was to silently stand by and hold her hands.

I am still in the process of coming out of this experience which was too deep. For the first time in my life, I carried a dead baby in my arms to bury – it was too much for me to take, I cried silently and handed over the baby to her father, who buried her.

The time stood still, death is an important reality, I have the experience of my sister who died young, my parents who died, it did affect me to some extent, but this experience of death was too sudden, unexpected that left me numb and shocked.

I have no words to console the mother of the child, who is in grief, it’s painful to see and difficult to handle – I feel helpless and in pain too.  But deep in my heart I believe that God knows what is best, and this too shall pass ……. This little angel who departed, had given me opportunity to look at life at close quarters, and has challenged me with this question - if I were to leave the earth, what would I do now?  I am thinking and relooking at my life? Hopefully answering it in my heart, and making those changes which will improve the quality of my life.

Be a blessing !

 

Happy Birthday to my Darling Daughter

Today my heart is rejoicing as my daughter celebrates her 9^th birthday, I recall with gratitude the last 8 years that was filled with so much love, laughter and fun.  I also thank God and all those wonderful persons in my life who accompanied me in my journey into motherhood, and continue to remain a great source of strength to me. Here’s  a small note for my lovely daughter.

My Darling Daughter Maria Dorothy,

I am so happy to have you in my life, truly you are God’s gift to me, and you will always remain my first miracle of life that I held in my arms, even though, some times, your brother takes more attention from me, you will always hold a special place in my heart. Forgive me for the times, I have unconsciously given a little more of my time to your brother who has special needs.

On your birthday, I want you to know how special you are to me, and indeed the most beautiful, lovable and adorable person in my life, I want to wish you a very happy, joyous, and a meaningful birthday to you. May the Lord bless you, guard and guide you al l through your life.

With lots and lots of love and kisses from your mom,

“A daughter is a miracle that never ceases to be miraculous...full of beauty and forever beautiful...loving and caring and truly amazing. “  Deanna Beisser