Easter morning we went for mass, and the thoughts of my seven year old son Emmanuel, who was with us last year was very much with each of us, yet none of us brought up the topic of Emmanuel. While I was sitting in the church, a whole range of thoughts were just welling up, and I had no control on these thoughts, 80% of these thoughts were about my son, as the choir song, my mind took me back to last year, where I had my son with me holding his hands in the church and trying to control his dance.
He was extremely sensitive to music, and he was finding difficult to resist himself in the church, while the choir sang, I enjoyed with happiness, watching my son clap, swing and smile and happily attempting to sing, he used to be an attraction in the church, people sitting on either side, and front and back too enjoyed watching him.
Today he was no more, I was sitting with my daughter, feeling the loss, the emptiness, as I looked at cross, and thinking about the empty tomb made sense to me, I recalled Mary, mother of Jesus who suffered so much because of her son, yet she dared to walk with him to the Calvary, I could understand how much she would have cried, and how difficult it must have been to see her only son being tortured to death.
This brought in memories of my son, as I watched him lay in ICCU ward helplessly; I was unable to bear this pain. It’s a most painful sight for me, I did not want him to suffer, I wanted to take away all the tubes and the wires so that I can hold my son in my arms in his last part of the journey and let him go peacefully. I felt as though my hands are tied, I suffered with pain and torments; it has become a torture for my son lying helplessly in the intensive care unit, and just like Mary who had to surrender herself totally, I gave up my little son who played in my arms, and is now been pricked and poked from all sides, given artificial support to survive, his face disfigured and marred.
I understand the anguish of Mary, who was watching her 33 year old son suffer unto death, and my pain is reduced, for I have perfect lady here who was not only simple and courageous, but women of great faith, faith that led her to join the disciples of Jesus in the upper room praying with them. Today I want to surrender myself to God, and walk in faith, for I believe he who has called me, will accompany me till the end to fulfill my purpose on this earth.
Easter a symbol of resurrection, life after a cruel gruesome death, where the tears of Good Friday are changed to joy on the glorious Easter morning, where death is swallowed up by the victory of resurrection once and for all. Today I allow my empty heart to be filled with the rays of hope and victory.
May the Risen Lord Bless you!