Happy New Year 2012 !

 

Be Blessed and Be Happy !

 

Good Bye & Thank You 2011 !

The year 2011 turned my world upside down, with the loss of my son Emmanuel who was so much part of my life for the last seven years.  I began the year with great sorrow, confusion and was emotionally shattered. 

But one thing does not change in me, my faith in God, and constant love and support of persons who surrounded my life was enough for me to be motivated to explore ways to cope with my grief and keep moving expecting the best.

Today it’s the last day of the year, and soon I shall be entering 2012, and things are not the same, and I look back with deep sense of gratitude for some of very interesting and beautiful moments of my life. 

 I am glad today:

• For the work I do, that provides me opportunity to listen to the pain of others. Thus constantly reminding me to understand that I am not alone in this world, and joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin.

• To learn to swim in the waters, once again in my life, after a gap of 25 years, I fell in love with the waters, and swimming everyday in deep waters kept me  energetic, active and alert, and also motivated me to participate in the Master’ swimming competition.

• To have initiated a family prayer that made the family come closer to each other, and share our faith.

• To go out for a short trip to Bangalore, where we spent time together as a family, a much needed break, and for the first time without our son Emmanuel. Being with Maria Dorothy our daughter, I learnt to look through her eyes and enjoy the sense of wonder within me.

 

• For the opportunity to travel and all by myself, to learn, share and meet different people working in the area of substance abuse and alcohol, a subject which I have not explored much, I am happy for the knowledge and understanding in this area.

• To learn the art of living, in a new way by enrolling myself in a meditation course for a week, and spend some time only with myself, asking some very important questions.

• I could celebrate myself on 29 December, despite the pain I carried in my heart, I am overwhelmed for calls I received from my friends, for love, songs  and prayers from those who were close to me, appreciation from elders at my work place, and  kindness from my colleagues,

This is enough for me to look forward for 2012 with courage and hope, as the saying goes “I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday, and I love today”

Happy New Year 2012!

Be Happy & Be Blessed!

 

Merry Christmas !

Christmas has always been a special for me from childhood, and I have always celebrated, this is my most favourite festival, and there is a kind of thrill and joy in this season - last year my son Emmanuel was very sick on Christmas and I was sad on a Christmas day, which never happened in my life! 

Today when I recall, I have a mixed feeling, I do not know whether I am mourning or celebrating - but one thing does not change in my life that is being grateful for today! That’s enough for me to keep moving, and wishing all you my friends a happy Christmas and also a blessed and meaningful year 2012 ahead!

Thanks for your presence, and for your special prayers, I am learning to interpret and find meaning in this celebration, for I know for sure, that there is a purpose for my existence, and I am in the process of becoming …..  these experiences are leading me towards a particular directions, and with trust and confidence, I continue responding my life’s challenges with gratitude !

Merry Christmas!

A Thank you letter for a Special Doctor

Today I express my thankfulness to Emmanuel’s doctor – Dr Ramesh Karra Reddy, a pediatrician who has been taking care of Emmanuel for almost 5 years, the best thing of this doctor is that he loved Emmanuel and was always kind, and even refused to charge for him, he had a soft corner for down syndrome children, and he has regular down syndrome children coming to him for treatment at his clinic.

Dear Doctor,

I am so happy that you were my son’s doctor, for my son Emmanuel was very comfortable and always felt at home at your clinic.  You were very kind to us and we appreciate you for understanding our child and provided him with the best of treatment.   

We never felt the need for another doctor in the last five years of our son’s life.  Myself and my husband David  felt always welcomed at your clinic, and we could easily manage simple problems our child like cold, cough, congestion or any other problem, you were  always there for us at your  clinic, despite the fact that your clinic was always full, filled with small babies and kids, who come to you for treatment.

Emmanuel was always given preference in your clinic, and we were  very happy to have a doctor just close by to my house, who was not only a medical doctor, but a person who loved kids, and trained his staff in the clinic to orient mothers on immunization, hygiene, and systematically maintained a diary for each child. 

Dr Ramesh, I want to thank you for being available for consultations throughout Emmanuel’s treatment, both at your clinic and also at the hospital; where Emmanuel was admitted, thanks  for your visits in the evening hours to find out his progress – I knew that you were the best doctor for Emmanuel as you  never suggested hospitalization, when not required.  So I could manage Emmanuel very well at home for the last 5 years.

Thank you for inspiring me with your word, when I visited your clinic after Emmanuel’s death, to get  a summary from you.  I can never forget what you spoke to me, even though   I was completely off balance, and could not handle myself, and found difficult to control my tears, your words were empowering me, and still rings in my ears till today. I recall your words as follows:

 “ Angela, I am very sorry to hear about Emmanuel, I have no words to comfort you, still I want you to know that, you have done your best, and I have tried my best and it is very unfortunate that he could not survive, but let me tell you, that in my experience as a doctor, I have seen parents who do a lot for their children, as they are sure, that one day their children will be achievers in life, who will make them proud as doctors/engineers etc  carry on their names, but  I have  seen very few  parents who can do so much for  a special child,  you have chosen to do the most difficult thing, you are surely blessed,  I have only done my  part – if you require any further help, you are most welcome to my clinic”

Your words made a lot of difference to my mind, and gave me strength to carry on and still empowers me. Thank you for all that you did for my child! I shall always remember you with gratitude in my life!

 Be Blessed & Be Happy !

Memories

I am glad to post this beautiful poem, that so aptly describes my feelings towards my son Emmanuel, who was not only part of my life – but has been part of our large family and friends every person who stepped into our house, had no choice but to meet him, experience his simplicity, love and warmth. In his own quiet ways he made his presence felt, and I am indeed lucky that he choose me to be his mom.

© Louise Bailey

I feel a warmth around me
like your presence is so near,
And I close my eyes to visualize
your face when you were here.

I endure the times we spent together
and they are locked inside my heart,
For as long as I have those memories
we will never be apart.

Even though we cannot speak no more
my voice is always there,
Because every night before I sleep
I have you in my prayer.

Source: Memories, In Memory Poem

Maria Dorothy – My Treasure

It has been extremely difficult for me not to think of my son, Emmanuel in this season, as my mind keeps reminding me with every detail that took place in the last year during this time.  Each time, I try to remind myself that Emmanuel has evolved and moved to a much better place, where all of us have to one day reach- and so there is a task for me  to fulfill while I am  alive on this earth.

Yet  I struggle with emptiness and feel sad,  as memory is so vivid and my attachment to him in the last seven years of my life is so strong, that Emmanuel had become a driving force for me to re discover my existence, so no matter what I do, he still remains very much a part of my life.

while I acknowledge the pain and the void in my life, I do not want to take my daughter Maria Dorothy  for granted, for she has been a joy to me, and was such a darling, that she allowed the space required for her brother to find a place in our family, she was generous in partnering with me, as I struggled in bringing up Emmanuel.

There is a beautiful part of her that made her protect her brother, I could trust her to take care of Emmanuel in my absence, I could relax to know that Dorothy was there to have an eye on her brother, when we went out for parties and functions, she learnt to help me, and understand that Emmanuel required a little more attention.

I recall an incident, when she took Emmanuel to play with other children, an older boy called Emmanuel dumb, and she was so upset, she fought with him, and came home and cried, telling me, mamma ! How can they be so rude, for Emmanuel has just picked up a few words to articulate?  There were also times, she taught him to fight back, she literally demonstrated how to protect himself.

 Today I want to acknowledge with gratitude, for Dorothy in my life, and for all that she did for her brother, she learnt to feed him, wash his face, dress him up, help him put on his shoes, and above all understood that her brother was different from her. 

Dorothy was also very sensitive and knew that her brother has to be protected from cold weather, hence covered him with sweater, and put on cap, and then used to take him out to play.  At the church she used to hold his hands and control his movements. 

I am so glad that even though both of them very small, they were there for each other.

Now when I weep for Emmanuel for his loss, I cannot but look at my daughter and rejoice, so this Christmas, while I am crying with pain on one side, but I am also happy on the other side for the lovely gift of my daughter, who is now my motivation to keep moving on in gratitude.

Thanks Fruity, (that’s my daughter’s pet name) for all that you have been and still are – I love you and thank God a million times for you in my life! I am blessed and motivated to journey with gratitude!

A daughter is a gift of love.  ~Author Unknown

Be Blessed & Be happy!